Our Wise and Foolish List in Marriage
Last week, I elaborated on a few actionable ways to be wise in marriage. We talked about how to be God-honoring in marriage, how to exercise savvy stewardship, and easy ways to apply forethought to our marriage for better results.
Now we can chat about two other wise words, as it applies to our relationship: discernment, and application.
Discernment:
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness. James 3:17-18 (NIV)
These verses give us a great filter for how to make decisions and discern ways to live wisely.
How do you apply good judgment to your life? For us, this gets into the good, better, best conversation.
Just like you, we find there are many ministries we believe in and ways we could serve. However, if we want to give our best, it requires us saying no to the good and the better options.
Recently, we had a decision to make about Wednesday evenings at our church. There are amazing ministries for all of our family members to participate in that we have participated in before. We love connecting with people and growing closer to our church community. It seems like an easy “yes.”
However, we had to step back and look at the full picture.
If we say yes to participating in Wednesday evening activities this year, we will not have the margin to consistently work on a marriage ministry for our church that we are preparing to start. Wednesday evenings could be a time Mark and I can have 90 minutes together while our kids are in their own activities. We could be on-sight, but not participate in our adult ministries for this season, instead, choosing to plan and prepare for what is yet to come.
If we participate in adult ministries, we would certainly benefited spiritually. But God is not only spiritually pouring into us by teaching us about our good, God-given limits, He is also paving the way to spiritually benefit many by using this consecrated time to prepare for an upcoming ministry opportunity. Our prayer is for this marriage ministry to bless many. Bonus: We are also grateful for our pastor and his wife, who lead with care, as they encouraged us not to overcommit and gave us their blessing to use the time on Wednesday nights to prepare. Thanks, Jonathan and Jaime!
Application:
Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. James 1:22 (NIV)
This is where applying Truth, experience, and good judgment all mix together.
This brings us back to that reminder from last week that 70% of learning takes place through experience, specifically when we reflect on what we learned and then apply that knowledge.
What is one principle you were reminded of today that you want to take one step further and apply?
If you are still seeking clarity, start here:
Choose one of these questions to begin the conversation with your spouse:
How do we define wisdom?
Currently, what are our wisest practices in marriage?
Are there any actions we are taking or decisions we are making that are short-sighted, self-centered, or unwise?
What habits or rhythms would we like to incorporate to grow in wisdom in our marriage?
Sometimes, it helps to hear another person’s examples. For others’ advice, head to Instagram and hear great counsel from a few devoted couples throughout the United States. This is one way to apply what the Bible advises us, when it encourages us:
“Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs 13:20 (NIV)
Also, make sure you check out fun marital enrichment habits, both daily/weekly, and monthly/yearly.
I also want to share our wise and foolish list within our own marriage.
(Remember, these are not prescriptive for what I think YOU should do. These are simply practices that work for us and have yielded sweet fruit.)
Generally, our digital boundary is that our phones are away when other humans are present, unless we have both agreed upon a time to simultaneously respond to texts/emails, etc. on our phones. What I learned from applying lessons and take-aways from reading Digital Invasion is to “Sleep well and steward digital life wisely. Attach more to each other and less to our phones.” The author is going to be a future guest on The Savvy Sauce!
We prioritize adequate sleep for our entire household and it blesses all other areas. We are committed to early bedtimes for our children (their lights are out at 7:30 p.m.) so that we have couple-time each night. To prioritize sleep for the two of us, we have to also consider the amount of time it takes to do everything else we do in our bedroom (and not just what first comes to your mind, but also reading or getting ready for bed or chatting, etc.…). Valuing sleep requires us to back up our intentionality. We don’t just set an alarm for a 6 a.m. wake up time, we also have a mental alarm to make sure our lights are turned out by 10 p.m. and we are going to sleep. Instead of just hoping to get into bed by 10 p.m., we actually have a goal for a bedroom time of 8:45 p.m. To make this work, in this season, we get all house work done by 8 p.m. This means our kids’ doors are closed by 7:30 p.m. In order to have all their doors closed by 7:30 p.m., we start their bedtime routine around 6:40. Starting with our values and then reverse-engineering our timeline helps us carry out our plan to ensure our values and lifestyle match each other. By analyzing the time required for each activity that is a priority, trial and error, and communication, we landed on this system that works for us!
Whenever possible, we chat about our day while going on a walk. It relieves stress, allows us to catch up on the day and stay current with one another.
TV is typically not a part of our lives. There are certainly exceptions, such as Georgia Tech football games, family movie night if someone is ill, or watching the Masters or Superbowl with friends. We have found the lack of time in front of the TV provides an abundance of time to connect face-to-face or invest in other priorities. And we’ve never felt like we missed out on anything significant, since making this decision!
We seek ways to be proactive. We’ve found the more we communicate expectations, the less time we spend in conflict. To be proactive about our week, we sit down together on Thursday nights to sync up our schedules for the upcoming week (more on this in daily/weekly marital enrichment habits). To be proactive every quarter, we meet at a coffee shop together for a few hours to discuss bigger picture topics, such as our spiritual lives, marriage, parenting, finances, community, etc... I’ve written more about this topic in fun monthly/yearly marital enrichment habits. This not only allows us to avoid some conflict, but it also provides the opportunity to enjoy dreaming together and making a plan to pursue what matters, both in this life and for eternity!
We budget for childcare. We say “no” to Netflix, buying daily meals or coffee drinks outside the home, Amazon Prime membership, and other conveniences to say “yes” to receiving help!
We overshare. Early on in our marriage, we were trying to figure out how often to bring up things that bothered us. At a neutral time, we agreed from that point on to always lean towards sharing too much, rather than too little with each other. Another practical piece that helps us is rating annoyances or frustrations on a scale of 1-10. For instance, we might say “Hey, this is only a 2, but when you tear off a piece of my notebook paper to use for your gum, it bothers me.” (True story and I have stopped that bad habit!)
We cultivate our friendship and delight in each other’s hobbies whenever possible. We ask questions frequently to learn a LOT about each other’s work and interests. We prioritize flirting, laughing together, intimately connecting frequently, and encouraging each other as much as possible. Basically, we disproportionately invest time into our relationship with each other and it overflows into joy in many other areas of life!
Unfortunately, I have also identified some ways I’ve been foolish in marriage. I’ll share ways I have failed, along with ways Mark has responded in a more mature manner. In all situations, I can confess and know Christ is faithful to forgive me. He even redeems the situation because He is so gracious!
My Foolish Practices in Marriage
Lashing out verbally when I feel defensive. Have you heard that phrase, “hurt people hurt people”? I have noticed that pattern when I feel hurt and I respond back to try and hurt Mark, which is never wise. He is mature and leads with humility. In conflict, it looks like him applying the Scripture from Proverbs 15:1a “A gentle answer turns away wrath” (NIV). His gentle answer diffuses my negative emotions and it helps us get to a healthier place more quickly so we can productively solve the problem, rather than becoming more emotionally charged and less effective in resolving whatever issue arises.
Keeping a record of wrongs. Sometimes without even noticing it, a root of resentment begins to grow in me when I feel wronged in any area. I love my husband and I never want to be bitter toward him, so I want to rip that resentment out at the root as soon as I notice it! Hebrews 12:15 teaches me to “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”(NIV) My hope and prayer is to continue growing in this area as I ask the Holy Spirit to empower me to forgive quickly and wholly, and to share with Mark if I am still struggling to forgive so we can process the issue further, if necessary. Because of the grace God has extended me, and the grace the Holy Spirit fills me with, and because I am His, I can extend this grace to Mark, even if I am wronged. This leads to a MUCH happier marriage, rather than keeping a rusty record of wrongs.
Losing sight of managing my energy and over-doing it until I’m completely depleted. It is wise to proactively care for my mind, body, and soul. I have even identified life-giving practices to tend to each one, but if I carelessly neglect these areas for too long, I then become nit-picky with my family, extra emotional, or I lose my energy and motivation to carry out the tasks I am responsible for. This lack of self-discipline to care for myself overflows into my marriage because I cannot expect to love my spouse well in word and deed when I foolishly neglect caring for myself.
Not prioritizing other adults during seasons of raising littles. Do you remember Dale Wilsher’s Episode on Personality Types? It was one of the most popular episodes from 2020! I have a Connecter personality type and she emphasizes the importance of adult interactions, especially for Connecter moms. This brings me joy and energy and allows my family to receive the bubbling positive overflow when I prioritize relationships with other adults. However, I am often too late to discover I have not had enough time with other adults when I recognize how exhausted I feel. This also impacts my marriage, and it is my responsibility to ensure I am spending my time wisely. For me, that means setting up a system to ensure I am regularly scheduling time with other life-giving adults.
Fearing man instead of fearing God. Proverbs 29:25 and Galatians 1:10 wisely advise against this. For me, this can look like overcommitting and saying yes to too many requests. I then end up feeling pressured because I neglected prudence and wisdom, but I mistakenly called it sacrifice . . . I need to call it what it really is: false humility and folly.
I will combine my other foolish practices to be a list of opposites from our wisdom list. It is foolish in marriage when I carelessly prioritize my emails and texts above my spouse at the end of the day, fail to wisely steward my sleep, stop participating in rhythms that counteract stress, put off planning the week or practicing any other proactive habits, try to do everything on my own without humbling myself to ask for help, or get too preoccupied with my own agenda instead of thoughtfully considering my spouse’s interests and investing time in those, alongside him. The good news is that once we identify where we are off, we can begin to pursue the things that draw us closer and naturally allow for us to delight in time spent together.
The thing I learned from making this list is that applying either wisdom or folly in marriage is up to each one of us, individually!
Instead of focusing on the other person in the marriage, I think God is pleased to have us confess our own part to Him and to our spouse and repent by turning from our past ways to instead seek wiser ways of living. It brings us back to that foundational wisdom verse from Proverbs 9:10a “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom” (NIV). It’s incredible to see how that plays out in our marriage!
What about you? What does your list look like for your most practical wise practices in marriage and your foolish list to avoid?
I pray your conversations go well and mark the beginning of a joyful, intentional, and wise marriage. May God richly bless your marriage!
Best,
Laura
About The Savvy Sauce
Practical chats for intentional living
A faith-based podcast and resources to help you grow closer to Jesus and others. Expect encouragement, surprises, and hope here. Each episode offers lively interviews with fascinating guests such as therapists, authors, non-profit founders, and business leaders.
They share their best practices and savvy tips we can replicate to make our daily life and relationships more enjoyable!
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